A little Dity Bout Me....

Happy New Year to All!  May it be a Challenging God Led New year filled with lots of laughter and love!!  I felt led today to change gears and talk about me a little bit.  I had to write about an experience I had this past Sunday.  A couple of weeks ago I was working through a worksheet for a bible study I am in.  This bible study is all about deep healing.  Not physical healing but emotional healing.  The worksheet I was doing was pick a painful event from your past and write down how it made you feel and invite God into your healing process. That's it.  No magical poof and you are better just simply right down your feelings and invite God in to begin to work in that particular event.  Sounds fun?  Oh yeah..Not really!  Many times when we dig up old things it brings back the hurt just as much as when it first happens.  Anyway I chose to work through how it made me feel when my mother left my father many many years ago. I was surprised when I did it that I had always felt because she left that I thought she never wanted to be a mother so because of that lie I would never be a good mother.  That I would never have maternal instincts.  That because she left I didn't have them in me.  I even started remembering that I would tell people all the time that children hated me and I don't have maternal instincts.  I would never have children.  Well we all know that yes I do have children.  Three of them. ANYWAY...so I did this worksheet and invited God into healing that pain.  Of course I didn't feel anything but the pain but trusted the process. 

So this past Sunday was my weekend to work with the two year olds.  I volunteer at my church once a month.  Not because I ever really want to but because I feel since I have 3 in childcare I figure it is my duty!  HA!  Again no maternal instinct and kids come on "THEY HATE ME!"  So I was sitting on the floor waiting for kids to come in.  We only had two at the time and the little door open and this little girl I had only seen once runs from her dad and into my arms.  She gave me the best bear hug in the world.  Then grabbed a book and plopped down in my lap and said read!  Pretty soon I had about three others around waiting to see what was on the next page. I was thinking that was weird.  Then off to the play park and we had a new little girl by that time and if her mommy was going to abandon her in this horrible new place then I would do as a replacement.  And she sat with me for a good 10 minutes until she mustered up her courage and figured out the play park was a pretty cool place after all.  (and just to make you parents feel better..the whole I'm gonna cry because you left me is purely an act.  Of course they miss you but they really wanna see how long they can string you along and keep you from missing your mommy time in worship or running errands etc. and make you feel guilty.  9 times out of 10 they stop crying the moment they figure out you aren't coming immediately back and that is usually before you are even out of sight. Clever little things!  :-)   Then in worship and story time I was sitting on the floor with the kids and looked around and realized again I had about three children all snuggled into me. These were kids I didn't even know that well. Guess what happened next? I heard that tug in my heart say..."See those were all lies this whole time.  Look what you can do by just being present with my children.  You love them and they love you.  THAT is why you are here volunteering.  Yes you have a maternal instinct that I gave you and NO ONE can take away."  What a day!!  What a class.

I felt led to share this with you because it just fuels our fight for Bryson.  Not just in the court rooms.  Yes my divorce happened and he will have questions and heartache from that for probably a VERY long time and we are choosing NOW to get him the help and protection and healing he needs through church, therapy, doctors, stable environment, court action if warranted...anything we need to do to raise him up healthy and whole.  This letter is for encouragement that any age anything is possible to invite God in to stomp out the lies.  Heck my mother divorced my father when I was 7 years old. And last time I checked this past Sunday I was 34 and still realizing the lies the enemy told me way back when.  Someone told me recently that we hear three voices in our head....ours, God's and the enemies.  To me the enemy speaks loudest so is easiest to hear.  God whispers so I really have to take time and listen.  Know that you are beautiful, you are a great mother and father, you are loved by God no matter what you do but who you are, that He made you in His image and He is perfect, that you are capable of anything. I will tell you I do not blame my mother for my feelings..those are mine that I made my reality but God is making them my story.  I won't take them back either even if I could.  These things we grow from.  But I can tell you we are doing everything we can to quiet those lies with Bryson and let him know he is loved and made in God's image.  Seek healing people for anything...God wants us whole!  Wonder what this year will hold guys?  I look forward to walking this journey with each of you! Happy Happy New Year!!!!

Much Much Love, Lindsey K.