I now experince Joy and my mind and body reject it...

"So you have been living in crisis...or FIGHT for so long that your mind and body do not know how to live now that it is gone." Said my therapist to me last week.  Now that it is gone.  Did you read that correctly...Now that IT is GONE! I still find it hard to believe.  And some days I don't and the fear returns and then it goes away again.  That is getting better with time.  When Bryson was just 18 months old he got kicked out of his first daycare.  That was the first of 5 before the age of 4 to come due to his behaviors.  18 months old.  He just turned 10 not two weeks ago.  That is over 8 years since my son started reacting to what had been done to him and what continued to be done to him throughout his life.  8 years.  8 years of fear, of doubt, of anger, of depression, of violence...oh the violence.  Eight years of wishing things were different..of asking why they weren't..of even enabling the behavior in the beginning.  (which I DO NOT recommend no matter what anyone has been through)

Did you know a few weeks ago we were at a school meeting for Bryson and the first sentence out of the teacher's mouth was, "Bryson is such a respectable and sweet young man to his teachers and peers." Ummm surely I was in the wrong meeting.  I have never...EVER been told a positive thing about Bryson's behaviors since his school days.  I seriously cannot remember one.  Now I may have gotten the occasional "well he did this but there is always hope" speech, but nothing so deliberate.  We had a party and someone who has not known us for very long said, "wow Bryson is such an amazing and caring young man.  You must be proud."  Unreal.  I look back on these posts and I originally started them as a desperate plea for support as we began to finally take action in the courts and to see the ups and downs and downs is amazing.  A year ago, Bryson was in his third stay at a mental health in-patient hospital and had started to finally purge all the horrific things he had endured over the last few years with his biological father. My last blog 6 months ago I was ANGRY.  Whew boy.  I seriously thought that this was my life and maybe it was always going to be that way.  And then just four short months ago our insurance was telling us there was no hope and he should just go live in foster care because he would never be safe to return home.  FOUR MONTHS.  Now I give you a fully functioning 10 year old who only continues to excel in his classroom and here at home.    I still, like I said above, do not believe it some days.  I stare out at the magnificent Colorado Sunset and can only weep (cause I am so good at that these days) and Thank God in Heaven for not giving up on my son, on me, on my husband, and on the many friends and family that came along side us for support.  Folks what you have witnessed is truly a miracle.  One I demanded, one I desperately pleaded for, and one that, when the time was right, came to pass.  Now to just figure out how to live in this new found life.  For now we rest and enjoy and recover.  We love you guys so very much.

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.  2 Corinthians 1:4

So today I am mad at everyone...Including You God.

Ever get pissed off?  Like someone cut you off and you totally feel like God sent you here on this Earth to be cut off so YOU can show this rude A-hole a lesson he will never forget even if that means you gently rub the right rear bumper to maybe cause him to slide helplessly off he road mad? ME TOO!!!!  I am probably a hair past that mad today!  Well maybe not homicidal mad but you get what I mean.  And it is only 1:12 p.m. so the day is young!  Today in about an hour we are scheduled to have a family therapy phone conference with Bryson and his therapist to determine what is next for our dear son.  Bryson is in a residential treatment center in Texas and has been since February for multiple reasons and diagnosis.  And today I am mad about that.  I am mad that he is not where I excepted him to be progress wise.  I am mad that God hasn't completely healed him.  I am mad that some of the parents I have seen with kids at this facility are jacked up and I think I am soooo much better than them and at the same time I wonder what is wrong with me? I am mad I put all my HOPE eggs in this one facilities basket.  I am mad that a doctor told me residential treatment centers are like cars and sometimes you have to test drive them to find the right fit.  I am mad that Bryson is ALWAYS mad.  I am mad that I am scared still.  I am mad that this is our freaking life and has been for as long as I remember.  I am mad that I have enjoyed my son being GONE.  I am mad that other peoples kids are normal.  I am mad that I can admit that my son is F'd up and get him the help he soooo very desperately deserves and yet he is not whole yet.  I am mad that people shy away from my situation because I am open about it but then realize they are just scared but I am still mad about it.  I'm mad that my youngest son doesn't sleep through the night..not since Bryson started going in and out of hospitals last October.  I am mad that Bryson's biological father isn't behind bars.  I am mad my personal trainer won't let me drink but once a week which I have ignored some.  I mad that I cry all the time.  I'm mad that this situation defines us right now.

BUT...to all this anger there is an amazing other side that gently makes its way through.  I am so very glad God is okay with me being mad at Him.  I am glad we have such a support system in our friends and family.  I am glad I haven't ran anyone off the road even though they may deserve it.  :-) I am glad I have a wonderful husband who continues to fight daily.  I am glad that I keep seeking answers and even though I have really crappy days I don't ever give up or stop looking at myself to change.  I'm glad our hard work now might save other people's lives and/or my son's life in the future.   I'm glad I am a work in progress. AND I'm really glad my trainer doesn't live with me.

John 14:27
²⁷ Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

 

Love you all!