Diary of a Hangry Bikini Competitor

Where to start....My name is Lindsey Kangas and I am competing in a Fitness Bikini Show in 4 days.  Now let's get one thing straight.  My name and bikini should NOT be in the same sentence.  Should NOT I tell you.  I was always the "big boned" kid.  You know the one who hid in sports because well I was good at them and I didn't feel like I had to be pretty.  In my mind I was, on a good day, cute.  That was a stretch.  Now fast forward 25+ years later and I am staring down the now short path to an extreme goal. 

I attended my friends now turned coaches' own fitness show last May.  I was thinking what is this they have worked so hard for and why?  I thought it was all weird and expected something totally different than what I saw.  I saw amazing women on stage showing off some major hard work, stretch marks and all.  I left inspired and in June began my own journey.  Now I am 4 days away from stepping on stage in a BIKINI!  A bikini with TONS of padding....mother of three Ya'll.  You ladies KNOW what I am talking about.  Anyway, I am freaking out and very excited and then freaking out again.  My diet is minimal and my workouts are rigorous.  I am Hangry and weepy and a little crazy.  I cannot stop dreaming about French fries with a side of Donuts. 

I am doing this for several reasons.  I needed to desperately change the way I view food.  A dear friend once told me years ago "you must eat to live not live to eat."  I come from a long history of binge eating and emotional eating.  I also want to love myself in my own skin.  I'm not sure I ever have.  I still, 4 days out find myself making comparisons and honestly when I get up on that stage THAT will be my victory.  I want to belong up there.  I have put in the work and now I just pray I don't fall or a body part pops out of that tiny so called bathing suit.  I had my nails done, I put in extentions, and I will get hair, make-up and a crazy stage tan done the day of the show.  I will wear blingy jewelry and just feel pretty probably for the first time in my life. 

This is it.  Been working towards this since June of last year.  Working out, eating better more frequently (high protein of course), lifting weights, taking suppliments, cut out drinking (HARD), no more real bacon (only temporary), shaved my BACK, obsessed about my cheat meals, made my coaches crazy, made my husband crazy, been made fun of, inspired my daughter that strong is beautiful.  I am 35 pounds lighter and have muscles!!  All of my labs are good and guess what?  No Migraines!  I went off of my daily Rx 4 months ago AND all of my horrible IBS symptoms have disappeared.  When I started this Blog I was 4 days out.  Now due to brain fog, irritability, and overall fear I am finishing this the day before I walk on stage.  I cannot thank the endless support I have received from everyone in my life.  Here we go y'all!  36 hours and counting! I am scared but I am just going to do it scared. Sometimes we have to.

Lindsey

I now experince Joy and my mind and body reject it...

"So you have been living in crisis...or FIGHT for so long that your mind and body do not know how to live now that it is gone." Said my therapist to me last week.  Now that it is gone.  Did you read that correctly...Now that IT is GONE! I still find it hard to believe.  And some days I don't and the fear returns and then it goes away again.  That is getting better with time.  When Bryson was just 18 months old he got kicked out of his first daycare.  That was the first of 5 before the age of 4 to come due to his behaviors.  18 months old.  He just turned 10 not two weeks ago.  That is over 8 years since my son started reacting to what had been done to him and what continued to be done to him throughout his life.  8 years.  8 years of fear, of doubt, of anger, of depression, of violence...oh the violence.  Eight years of wishing things were different..of asking why they weren't..of even enabling the behavior in the beginning.  (which I DO NOT recommend no matter what anyone has been through)

Did you know a few weeks ago we were at a school meeting for Bryson and the first sentence out of the teacher's mouth was, "Bryson is such a respectable and sweet young man to his teachers and peers." Ummm surely I was in the wrong meeting.  I have never...EVER been told a positive thing about Bryson's behaviors since his school days.  I seriously cannot remember one.  Now I may have gotten the occasional "well he did this but there is always hope" speech, but nothing so deliberate.  We had a party and someone who has not known us for very long said, "wow Bryson is such an amazing and caring young man.  You must be proud."  Unreal.  I look back on these posts and I originally started them as a desperate plea for support as we began to finally take action in the courts and to see the ups and downs and downs is amazing.  A year ago, Bryson was in his third stay at a mental health in-patient hospital and had started to finally purge all the horrific things he had endured over the last few years with his biological father. My last blog 6 months ago I was ANGRY.  Whew boy.  I seriously thought that this was my life and maybe it was always going to be that way.  And then just four short months ago our insurance was telling us there was no hope and he should just go live in foster care because he would never be safe to return home.  FOUR MONTHS.  Now I give you a fully functioning 10 year old who only continues to excel in his classroom and here at home.    I still, like I said above, do not believe it some days.  I stare out at the magnificent Colorado Sunset and can only weep (cause I am so good at that these days) and Thank God in Heaven for not giving up on my son, on me, on my husband, and on the many friends and family that came along side us for support.  Folks what you have witnessed is truly a miracle.  One I demanded, one I desperately pleaded for, and one that, when the time was right, came to pass.  Now to just figure out how to live in this new found life.  For now we rest and enjoy and recover.  We love you guys so very much.

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.  2 Corinthians 1:4

So today I am mad at everyone...Including You God.

Ever get pissed off?  Like someone cut you off and you totally feel like God sent you here on this Earth to be cut off so YOU can show this rude A-hole a lesson he will never forget even if that means you gently rub the right rear bumper to maybe cause him to slide helplessly off he road mad? ME TOO!!!!  I am probably a hair past that mad today!  Well maybe not homicidal mad but you get what I mean.  And it is only 1:12 p.m. so the day is young!  Today in about an hour we are scheduled to have a family therapy phone conference with Bryson and his therapist to determine what is next for our dear son.  Bryson is in a residential treatment center in Texas and has been since February for multiple reasons and diagnosis.  And today I am mad about that.  I am mad that he is not where I excepted him to be progress wise.  I am mad that God hasn't completely healed him.  I am mad that some of the parents I have seen with kids at this facility are jacked up and I think I am soooo much better than them and at the same time I wonder what is wrong with me? I am mad I put all my HOPE eggs in this one facilities basket.  I am mad that a doctor told me residential treatment centers are like cars and sometimes you have to test drive them to find the right fit.  I am mad that Bryson is ALWAYS mad.  I am mad that I am scared still.  I am mad that this is our freaking life and has been for as long as I remember.  I am mad that I have enjoyed my son being GONE.  I am mad that other peoples kids are normal.  I am mad that I can admit that my son is F'd up and get him the help he soooo very desperately deserves and yet he is not whole yet.  I am mad that people shy away from my situation because I am open about it but then realize they are just scared but I am still mad about it.  I'm mad that my youngest son doesn't sleep through the night..not since Bryson started going in and out of hospitals last October.  I am mad that Bryson's biological father isn't behind bars.  I am mad my personal trainer won't let me drink but once a week which I have ignored some.  I mad that I cry all the time.  I'm mad that this situation defines us right now.

BUT...to all this anger there is an amazing other side that gently makes its way through.  I am so very glad God is okay with me being mad at Him.  I am glad we have such a support system in our friends and family.  I am glad I haven't ran anyone off the road even though they may deserve it.  :-) I am glad I have a wonderful husband who continues to fight daily.  I am glad that I keep seeking answers and even though I have really crappy days I don't ever give up or stop looking at myself to change.  I'm glad our hard work now might save other people's lives and/or my son's life in the future.   I'm glad I am a work in progress. AND I'm really glad my trainer doesn't live with me.

John 14:27
²⁷ Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

 

Love you all! 

PTSD - Not just for soldiers anymore.

Our son is 9 and just this holiday season he was diagnosed with PTSD. He is on his 4th hospital admission since October because his rages are unstoppable. He is finally purging all the gross he has held inside for years and he cannot handle it.  Going through this process with him has educated Gary and I far more than we ever wanted to be on the subject.  I am sure that is true with all families who love someone with PTSD.  See we know that Bryson's trauma events are in his past...he does not.  When the memories come they come and they are HIS present.  We as a family live day to day hour to hour and sometimes minute by minute.  It is a constant guessing game.  What set him off this time?  Will he be able to use his coping skills and de-escalate this time?  Will we have to go back to the hospital?  It is a reality we are forced to accept even if we don't want to.  He is the one who lived through the horror and continues to and will until he gets all the help we can seek..all the healing that will come...and shines the light on every last inch of darkness deep within. 

You know as I sat in the intake room last Friday at the hospital re-admitting Bryson for the fourth time, Arapahoe High School just down the road was under fire.  It's ironic in the sense that as more details emerge about the kid who took his own life, it was apparent he has some things in his life that could be considered red flags by some.  I am writing this message today to mostly BEG you parents to pay attention to your kids.  Know who they hang out with.  Know what they read, play, watch.  Be a pest not their best friend.  Parenting doesn't let up when they enter grade school..it gets more active.  Bryson started his obsession with death when he was four.  He talked about it drew pictures of it, and asked to play war games.  Now I even had teachers and a trained Psychiatrist tell us this was normal boy behavior. Guess what? We listened to our gut not them.  We observed..we pushed..and provided a safe place for Bryson..and 5 years later he is revealing the horror he has endured since he was 4 years old explaining why death was always on his mind.  Also, to a teenager a traumatic event could look like something trivial to us as adults.  Such as a breakup, not getting the part in a school play, or a friend moving away.  I pray for you as parents for wisdom as you raise your children and humility to get them help if they need it.  God tells us to be thankful for hard situations and I can tell you we are certainly in a hard situation.  I do thank God out of obedience right now but He is quick to show me the progress already.

We are still Team Kangas and we move forward together with nothing but Hope.  Hope in the bible is also defined as strong and confident expectation.   We expect full healing that will come with time for Bryson.  Love you all and Merry Christmas!

Us

ARE YOU SITTING DOWN TEAM KANGAS???

Oh Team Kangas...What a day...a month..a YEAR!  It was less than a year ago today that we decided to go "ALL IN" on a what we thought would be a long drawn out fight on behalf of Bryson and the abuse he has gone through in the past.  This past March we were denied to even be heard in a court of law by a judge here. We were devastated but KNEW God was bigger than this world and let me tell you by how much! Well yesterday that same judge granted the signed order by my ex-husband giving us all decision making for Bryson, zero summer visitation unless it happen on Colorado soil and that being one weekend at a time, Bryson's father must attend and complete anger management and counseling AND parenting classes, he must also attend counseling via phone with our therapist here once Bryson is healthy enough to go through that, and Bryson will only have visitation here in Colorado with his father until all of the above is completed with the exception of Christmas and Spring Break.

Now folks let me break this down for you...this is nothing short of a MIRACLE!!  If you speak to people who have tried to go down this road the judicial system unfortunately makes it virtually impassable!  People who have tried have spent years and hundreds of thousands of dollars only to fail.  I mean even as I write this testimony I cannot believe it.  I do believe I am in shock.  Last night we studied Gideon's battle in church.  How bizarre it was and how Gideon had 300 men armed with torches and trumpets and defeated 100 thousand by being obedient.  See they didn't have swords.  the army had God.  They were obedient and raised those torches even as weird as that seemed and as scared as they probably were.  They blew the trumpets of victory before the battle had even begun!  Those enemies then turned the sword on themselves.  Gideon and his army never even had to fight! Seriously...Look at the similarities!  We were going to be defeated..and then Bryson's dad turned the sword on himself and gave up and that judge granted what he originally denied and we NEVER stepped into a single court room!  Celebrate with us please...we could NOT have done any of this without all of you and your prayers!!!!!! 

Hit your knees with thanksgiving!  And pray for Bryson's dad to follow through with what he agreed to.  All in all we just want him healed too so Bryson and him have a chance at a healthy whole relationship because honestly THAT is the very best scenario possible! 

LOVE TO YOU ALL!!!

Sorry Guys...Yes....Size DOES matter!

I'm talking about all sorts of things too...Guns, trucks, heck even pizza! But today I want to specifically talk about the support you guys...Team Kangas have show us over the past few months!  I mean I do not know were we would be without a couple of things.  First God in Heaven..His ever tender Mercy when we screw up and His loving arms to fall in when we are just done with this fallen world, and His strength to pick us back up and push us forward to fight another day.  Next..Humility.  I think this gift from God that has taken me years to learn and still learn is amazing.  Humility has gotten me further in the last few months than I have ever imagined.  I am learning, stubbornly, to ask for help when I need it.  I am actually BEGGING for prayers from everyone I know.  I am also lowering my head to God and accepting that I cannot do this journey alone.  Which takes me to my next point.  YOU...Team Kangas!  You are amazing!!!  Your support for our family through prayers and the letters for Bryson..which HE LOVES!!!  Even the financial support has been overwhelming!!!  When I get down and fearful I just think about the gifts from God...That is YOU Team Kangas...Gifts from God..and those things float away.  Even if it's brief or for days.  You guys do that!  THAT my friends is HUGE!!  SO guys...when a woman tells you size doesn't matter..she be lyin'!!  :-)  Size is huge!  The faith and support that you guys have shown us has been huge and without it we could not have functioned!!  We love you so very much! 

And now I am going to reach out again!  Tomorrow I meet with our attorney to sign all the orders.  Friday we file them.  Next week we are in court.  Whew!  Yeah here we go folks!  Hold on!!!  And we need those prayers now more than ever..for our legal team, the judge, Gary and I, and Bryson, and even his father Travis.  We love you guys!!

A little Dity Bout Me....

Happy New Year to All!  May it be a Challenging God Led New year filled with lots of laughter and love!!  I felt led today to change gears and talk about me a little bit.  I had to write about an experience I had this past Sunday.  A couple of weeks ago I was working through a worksheet for a bible study I am in.  This bible study is all about deep healing.  Not physical healing but emotional healing.  The worksheet I was doing was pick a painful event from your past and write down how it made you feel and invite God into your healing process. That's it.  No magical poof and you are better just simply right down your feelings and invite God in to begin to work in that particular event.  Sounds fun?  Oh yeah..Not really!  Many times when we dig up old things it brings back the hurt just as much as when it first happens.  Anyway I chose to work through how it made me feel when my mother left my father many many years ago. I was surprised when I did it that I had always felt because she left that I thought she never wanted to be a mother so because of that lie I would never be a good mother.  That I would never have maternal instincts.  That because she left I didn't have them in me.  I even started remembering that I would tell people all the time that children hated me and I don't have maternal instincts.  I would never have children.  Well we all know that yes I do have children.  Three of them. ANYWAY...so I did this worksheet and invited God into healing that pain.  Of course I didn't feel anything but the pain but trusted the process. 

So this past Sunday was my weekend to work with the two year olds.  I volunteer at my church once a month.  Not because I ever really want to but because I feel since I have 3 in childcare I figure it is my duty!  HA!  Again no maternal instinct and kids come on "THEY HATE ME!"  So I was sitting on the floor waiting for kids to come in.  We only had two at the time and the little door open and this little girl I had only seen once runs from her dad and into my arms.  She gave me the best bear hug in the world.  Then grabbed a book and plopped down in my lap and said read!  Pretty soon I had about three others around waiting to see what was on the next page. I was thinking that was weird.  Then off to the play park and we had a new little girl by that time and if her mommy was going to abandon her in this horrible new place then I would do as a replacement.  And she sat with me for a good 10 minutes until she mustered up her courage and figured out the play park was a pretty cool place after all.  (and just to make you parents feel better..the whole I'm gonna cry because you left me is purely an act.  Of course they miss you but they really wanna see how long they can string you along and keep you from missing your mommy time in worship or running errands etc. and make you feel guilty.  9 times out of 10 they stop crying the moment they figure out you aren't coming immediately back and that is usually before you are even out of sight. Clever little things!  :-)   Then in worship and story time I was sitting on the floor with the kids and looked around and realized again I had about three children all snuggled into me. These were kids I didn't even know that well. Guess what happened next? I heard that tug in my heart say..."See those were all lies this whole time.  Look what you can do by just being present with my children.  You love them and they love you.  THAT is why you are here volunteering.  Yes you have a maternal instinct that I gave you and NO ONE can take away."  What a day!!  What a class.

I felt led to share this with you because it just fuels our fight for Bryson.  Not just in the court rooms.  Yes my divorce happened and he will have questions and heartache from that for probably a VERY long time and we are choosing NOW to get him the help and protection and healing he needs through church, therapy, doctors, stable environment, court action if warranted...anything we need to do to raise him up healthy and whole.  This letter is for encouragement that any age anything is possible to invite God in to stomp out the lies.  Heck my mother divorced my father when I was 7 years old. And last time I checked this past Sunday I was 34 and still realizing the lies the enemy told me way back when.  Someone told me recently that we hear three voices in our head....ours, God's and the enemies.  To me the enemy speaks loudest so is easiest to hear.  God whispers so I really have to take time and listen.  Know that you are beautiful, you are a great mother and father, you are loved by God no matter what you do but who you are, that He made you in His image and He is perfect, that you are capable of anything. I will tell you I do not blame my mother for my feelings..those are mine that I made my reality but God is making them my story.  I won't take them back either even if I could.  These things we grow from.  But I can tell you we are doing everything we can to quiet those lies with Bryson and let him know he is loved and made in God's image.  Seek healing people for anything...God wants us whole!  Wonder what this year will hold guys?  I look forward to walking this journey with each of you! Happy Happy New Year!!!!

Much Much Love, Lindsey K.