Ever get pissed off? Like someone cut you off and you totally feel like God sent you here on this Earth to be cut off so YOU can show this rude A-hole a lesson he will never forget even if that means you gently rub the right rear bumper to maybe cause him to slide helplessly off he road mad? ME TOO!!!! I am probably a hair past that mad today! Well maybe not homicidal mad but you get what I mean. And it is only 1:12 p.m. so the day is young! Today in about an hour we are scheduled to have a family therapy phone conference with Bryson and his therapist to determine what is next for our dear son. Bryson is in a residential treatment center in Texas and has been since February for multiple reasons and diagnosis. And today I am mad about that. I am mad that he is not where I excepted him to be progress wise. I am mad that God hasn't completely healed him. I am mad that some of the parents I have seen with kids at this facility are jacked up and I think I am soooo much better than them and at the same time I wonder what is wrong with me? I am mad I put all my HOPE eggs in this one facilities basket. I am mad that a doctor told me residential treatment centers are like cars and sometimes you have to test drive them to find the right fit. I am mad that Bryson is ALWAYS mad. I am mad that I am scared still. I am mad that this is our freaking life and has been for as long as I remember. I am mad that I have enjoyed my son being GONE. I am mad that other peoples kids are normal. I am mad that I can admit that my son is F'd up and get him the help he soooo very desperately deserves and yet he is not whole yet. I am mad that people shy away from my situation because I am open about it but then realize they are just scared but I am still mad about it. I'm mad that my youngest son doesn't sleep through the night..not since Bryson started going in and out of hospitals last October. I am mad that Bryson's biological father isn't behind bars. I am mad my personal trainer won't let me drink but once a week which I have ignored some. I mad that I cry all the time. I'm mad that this situation defines us right now.
BUT...to all this anger there is an amazing other side that gently makes its way through. I am so very glad God is okay with me being mad at Him. I am glad we have such a support system in our friends and family. I am glad I haven't ran anyone off the road even though they may deserve it. :-) I am glad I have a wonderful husband who continues to fight daily. I am glad that I keep seeking answers and even though I have really crappy days I don't ever give up or stop looking at myself to change. I'm glad our hard work now might save other people's lives and/or my son's life in the future. I'm glad I am a work in progress. AND I'm really glad my trainer doesn't live with me.
John 14:27
27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Love you all!
